Notes on Cat Culture: Units of measure.

Nothing is more fundamental to understanding a foreign culture than how it measures things. Not that cats are a foreign culture. if anything humans are foreigners, especially among themselves. In some ways I would dare that they ar primitive and hopelessly backwards. evidence how subservient they are to us cats, catering to our every need. Even more incredible, a human from one part of the world often has a terrible time communicating, leading to wars and all sorts of unnecessary complications. On the other hand a cat here can communicate with a cat anywhere. A raise of a tail, drop of the ears or hunch of a back and we're talkin' baby!

A few words on the basic units of cat measure:

The basic unit of measure is the TAIL. Tails being roughly equal among Domesticateds (Sorry Bobcats). The TAIL is equal to one fully extended cat tail.

Next is the POUNCE, which is equal to about 10 TAILS as the distnce the average cat can cover in a single...well you can do the math.

From the Pounce is the YARD. That is the distance of the average backyard, from patio door to back fence. The YARD works out to an average of 10 POUNCES or 100 TAILS-give or take a few tails to the alley.

The last and most important unit of measurement in the cat world is the LINK. Picture, if you will, a cat sniffing another cat's butt. from the tip of the sniff-ee's nose to the end of the sniffer's tail is a LINK, which, coincidentlly, corresponds to a half a POUNCE. I could explain why this particular one is so important, but unless you're a cat you just won't get it.

SNOW!

The patio door opened and I was away in an instant, bounding in great strides across the patio. It took two good leaps and I slammed face first into the fluffy white pile at the edge of the newly shovelled swath of concrete. I rolled, coming through the other side and skidding down the little slope before coming to rest on my back.

I jumped up nd in n instant was standing in snow up to my chest. Smudge was standing on the patio, just as prim and proper as ever. Her nose was turned up slightly, like she was some snooty upper crust Persian purebred and not black and white short-haired dumpster trash like me.

Fat fluffy-white snow flakes drifted from the night sky, like tiny little spirits. They tumbled and landed in my fur. One settled on my wet nose and hung there a moment before disappering before my eyes. It was magical and I for the first time envied the humans who could laugh and cheer over such tiny wonders. That excitement roared in my chest so that the only thing remaining was to roll and twist in that cold wet snow. From the patio Smudge watched jealously for a moment, when she thought I wasn't looking.

"What gives, doll?" I exclaimed, shaking off snow clinging to the fur and whiskers over my eyes. "Cut loose and live a little."

"I'm just fine right here," she replied. Truth be told she had loosened up a bit lately, but there was still that reticence to really let her black and white hair down.

"The fun is out here, in the snow," I said. "You don't know what..."

"What I'm missing?" she looked down her long black nose. Smudge loweredher ears as if to make a point. I could see the gentle sweeping motion of her tail and new it was all an act.

"I'm just saying."

"I spent a winter on the streets, sleeping in dumpsters, chasing scrawny mice for a meal, trudging from one dump to the next through snow and sludge and cold. I ate plastic some days just fill my belly and caught a cold that all but did away with me. Now I have a warm house, humans that are slaves to most everything I want, a nice soft bed, decent food, and I am I thank the good Mother Earth everyday for that blessing. Now if you will excuse me I am going back inside to lick myself and take a nap!"

What an act! Give her the Academy Award. I shook my head and took another run at that snow drift. Coming up a second time I spied Smudge in the window beside the lavender plant. "Dames!"